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Mar. 11th, 2012

little flower

Again with the whatever

Gosh it has been a while.  I'm glad I never set down any rules for myself about this journal or I'd be thinking I am a total failure!  That is what I love about this journal.  I know that it's here should I ever need it but since it is a secret and I haven't made any rules I don't feel obligated to do anything with it unless I have the need or desire to.

That being said...lets see.  So I have this new job in this new place and all that it has made me feel is a sense of inadequacy and displacement.  I feel wrong for this job.  I do my best, I try very hard.  But I feel as though I just don't have what it takes to do it.  Well that's not right exactly, I do have what it takes.  But it takes a lot out of me.  I'm not a natural at this job.  I know someone else could do it better and I know that I'll never be really happy with this job because it's just not what I want to do.  

That is just something I could not have known until I tried it.  It's just one of those things.  I gave it a shot and I'll stick with it for the next few years but I know that it's not the right job for me.  I'm not going to quit (I've thought about it) and I'm not going to slack off or resign myself to a crappy performance at this job.  I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least give it my all.  

I've thought about this a lot lately.  I mean I know it was necessary for me to leave my old job and come here.  Regardless of the situation at my old job.  Regardless of the bad moral and negative energy, it was time for me to move beyond the familiar and do something different.  For that reason I do not regret coming here.  Despite all the difficulties I have had and the insecurities I have felt trying to do this job I really feel that I have benefited from being here and going through this.  I just know, now, that I am not in the right place and in a few years I need to start thinking about leaving and expanding my horizons.

It's just funny how life is.  Gosh!  We think we have it all figured out.  A few years ago I was in my 20's.  At every little stage we think "well that's that, I got it and, I'm grown now" LMAO.  Of course this couldn't be further from the truth.  It's always a struggle, always a learning experience.  If nothing else this job will have taught me how to be okay about not being awesome at something and to instead be okay with doing my best and maybe not always doing great but at least doing good.  I like to know that I tried, I like to be able to look back at my day and think "I gave it what I had, I am proud of the effort and thought I put into it" - that is a good feeling.

Anyhoo - I'm sitting here at oh 1 am or something.  My housemates are asleep (the boyfriend of one of my housemates is snoring so loud I'm sure if I went outside I could hear him) and I'm enjoying a vodka tonic and some music.  When you live with a lot of people sometimes the only time you have to yourself is the time when they are asleep :).  I'm gonna go play some games at kongregate.com and relax for a bit.  

Writing this out solidified my thoughts - sometimes you need to remind yourself that it is okay if you are not awesome just as long as you try to be good.

Dec. 11th, 2011

park, sculpture

Writer's Block: Tearjerkers

There are a few tearjerkers that I can't watch without shedding a tear.  The top one is Grave of the Fireflies - it's an animated movie by the same studio who did Spirited Away and Howls Moving Castle.  However the topic in the movie is the effect that World War 2 had on the civilians in Japan - specifically a pair of orphaned children trying to survive in the aftermath of losing their mother.  Its a beautifully crafted film but don't watch it until you are ready to see a truly sad movie.

Lets see, a few more that make me cry Man in the Moon, Requiem For a Dream, Dancer in the Dark, and Steel Magnolias.  All great films but sad too - I never fail to cry when watching these movies.
Which movie always makes you cry?

Oct. 23rd, 2011

cabaret nuns hands liza

Ugg I get so annoyed

Just with people and their ideas about things and unwillingness to give a little and bend a little or just let people have their own reactions and emotions without mocking or sidelining them.  My friends and I joke around a lot but sometimes I feel like that banter goes too far.  I don't really say anything because I know it's meant all in jest I just go with the flow.  Sometimes I get my feelings hurt and I might withdraw or get quiet.  Somehow this translates into me being childish and overly sensitive.  Its just me being me.  I'm not trying to ruin your fun which is why I didn't say anything or start an argument.  I just got quiet because I got my feelings hurt and when your hurt you don't feel up to talking or joking.  Its not about you.  Let me be who I am and have my reactions and I'll try to get over it as quick as possible so we can all move on.  Instead people start their own little "silent treatments" and of course I "started it" so I can't even say anything.  Just sit there as the silence stretches on and the whole thing becomes blown out of proportion. And all because I'm overly sensitive.

Well you know what?  I'm not going to apologize for being sensitive.  Its who I am and I try to do my best not to take things personally or let my emotional reactions to these things get in the way of other peoples good time because I do know that it's all in jest.  But I'm not going to apologize for being who I am and I'm not going to go groveling or begging for someone to talk to me.  I did too much groveling and begging and feeling like shit in the past to start doing that now - I've come too far.

I'm sensitive and I'm not going to apologize for that.

Oct. 2nd, 2011

park, sculpture

Writer's Block: Shhh… Don’t tell

Do you keep your LiveJournal a secret from someone?
I keep my live journal a secret from everyone.  I like knowing that there is a secret place out there where I share information in a completely anonymous way where even my friends and family don't know about it.  I know it seems silly.  I rarely write here and I don't have a following but its like, I'm still sharing and hey maybe someone out there does read it, but it is completely separate from my real life and I'm kind of free because of that.

I don't know but sometimes you want to write something out, and not like in a diary where only you will ever read it, but in a format where someone may stumble upon it and maybe relate.  Kind of like why a person would put a message in a bottle and send it out to sea.  The chances of anyone ever reading it are so small and yet people still do it from time to time.  I guess feeling like you are connected in a weird and different way with the world is why I keep this journal :).


So again it's been a while, I've been through quite a few changes since my last post so here we go.

One change is a work change.  I had been having difficulties at work.  Nothing major just, well dissatisfaction and frustration.  I was frustrated with the lack of mobility or opportunities for growth or advancement at my last job.  I found out recently (after resigning and getting a different job) that my boss had tried two times to get me promoted but both times was shot down by higher ups who didn't want to spend in that area and basically wanted to keep everyone where they were.  Since I'm not a big network-er or ass kisser I wasn't on their list of people to promote despite the fact that I would have been a great candidate for promotion and would have worked my ass off and earned it a hundred times over (slight exaggeration :).  In addition to that problem there was horrible moral (because of bad management from higher ups) and people always felt like any moment the big bosses might land on them for no reason (it did happen believe me).  Plus, management was making arbitrary decisions and mis-managing a lot of things.  Basically all of the staff were unhappy and frustrated but there wasn't much anyone could do.  Some started getting educated and taking classes so that they could get out of there and get other jobs, others just hunkered down to deal with it, and some (like me) moved on.

So I started applying for all sorts of jobs 5 or 6 months ago.  I got some call backs, some rejections, and some no reactions.  Last month I got two bites and I am now in a different town at a different library doing a very different job.  There was a pay increase in the move, but honestly even if there wouldn't have been I would have jumped at this job.  Partially for the opportunity to get out of a toxic environment and partially for the opportunity for growth and learning within my field.  So yeah that's that.

There have of course been more changes and I'm going through different things now but that's the major news and all I feel like talking about right now.  More some other time, ciao.

Jan. 10th, 2011

haiku, hibiscus

Da da da i'm still here

I've been around lj but mostly reading/using other peoples blogs. I'm not really regular with this writing in here thing, but since this thing is supposed to reflect the real me then this is just another reflection of who I am. I was around just now at hidders journal asking for a fic to be sent to me and I decided to post a short somethingie to my own journal.

I'm currently nursing a bad tooth and will soon be seeing a dentist to get it taken care of.  I don't like going to any kind of appointments, it makes me nervous and anxious so i have to work up to it.  This is the only area of my life that my social phobia still rears its ugly head.  Besides there was a period of a few years that I didn't take very good care of my teeth and even though I do now I just know I'm going to get scolded.  I really don't like being scolded.  Sigh but I do need to go get this taken care of so i will within a week or so.

Aside from the tooth though things are good.  I had the girls over for a night of drinks and laughs and music, we all had a blast.  Work has been good, a guy in our department quit and so I had to change my schedule to make up for it.  I'll be working Tuesday through Saturday until we hire someone to take his place.  Its actually not bad, kinda nice to be off on Mondays. 

Things have been steadily plodding along, I've been struggling with whether or not I want to go back to school and get my MLS, it would help me advance in the library but I really don't want to be in that environment again.  I like not going to school, its nice.  Oh well it's not like I have to make a final decision right now.  I have plenty of time to do everything I need, my whole life basically.  LOL, well now I'm off to chill and dance around my house hasta la pasta.

Sep. 26th, 2010

haiku, hibiscus

Big 3 0 and life

I'm not complaining or doing that thing people do, but I realized recently that I'll be thirty this year. I have noticed a lot of changes in myself these past few months. Little things like...wanting to go to sleep earlier and liking starting the day early or changes in my body. Its not a big deal just funny. You never think your gonna be thirty until your thirty. I think that 50 will be the difficult one. But then who knows what things will be like then. I think about how much things have changed in the world and technology since my mom was 30 and now she's 52 and it trips me out.

I've been chillin as usual. I work and hang out and do my thing as usual. I've taken up having monthly drinks and dinner with some girls I've become friends with. Its difficult to make new friends so this is nice. All my friends have moved away from this town with the exception of the the ones I was never very close to anyway LOL.

Yesterday I participated in a parade being held here. My company took part in it and I ended up walking along in the heat for 2 hours handing out pencils and candy to greedy children. What is it about pencils that's so great. I mean I can see getting excited about candy but the kids went just as wild (if not more wild) for the pencils and I'm like??? I remember as a kid loving getting pencils and I'm trying to understand the appeal. Oh well kids will be kids.

On the finances front (lol that could be the theme of this blog) I'm getting on top of it little by little. I've reduced my credit card debt to a manageable level and now am gonna start working on my student loans which have been killing me. Man their expensive. Oh well I don't regret my education but I wish I would have looked harder for alternatives to loans. I mean I got some grants and stuff but I had to take out loans as well and now here I am floundering to pay them back. Oh well...its getting better my mom helped me out a bit. I felt guilty but my aunt was all --our parents couldn't even feed us much less help us be grateful you have a mother that is in a position to help you, I wish I had had that. I'm not taking advantage but it helped a lot. So yeah things are good, I'm able to enjoy life which is always nice :) ta.

May. 8th, 2010

cabaret nuns hands liza

I've been happy. Life is good :)

Here I am in my bedroom while my best friend sleeps on the airbed in the living room. It has been a while since I last wrote. I have not felt up to it, so I haven't. There.

Life has meandered along quite nicely. Finances continue to haunt me but I can say that that is something that will not change any time soon. At least I know I'm not alone. I almost moved, I wanted to mostly because of the other people that live in my apartment complex. But it wasn't the right time. My car had just broken down and I had to resume paying around 200 a month for student loans. But hopefully I'll be able to move in six months.

So life, I've hung out with friends, had drinks, visited my mother, had her and various other family and friends visit me here and played a lot on the internet. Its been good. Oh my best bud and I went to see Creedence Clearwater Revisited perform not to long ago. It was a great show. We both have always loved CCR and it was cool to see the songs live even if it wasn't the original band. I did a lot of reading lately and have been on a Zombie book kick. I guess there are worse things.

Well yeah s'all good.

Jan. 5th, 2010

park, sculpture

Hello new year good bye regulars

The New Year has come. I'm feeling enthusiastic about it. Sure I'm starting out with difficulties, financial woes and whatnot. But I feel positive. I feel like I can turn my life around and start to grow in a new way. Maybe my trip to Georgia and the things I realized there have helped me feel lighter. Whatever the case may be I think this will be a good year. My New Years resolution is two fold - write and read more. I read a lot already but I want to read more. The writing part will be more journaling with added poetry or short story or just creative stuff happening. I want to be more disciplined in this area is all. So yeah that's that.

My mother was here for the weekend. We celebrated the New Year together and hung out and had fun. We went to see the movie Sherlock Holmes which has inspired me to read the books. I'd always thought I should but now I decided to give it a try. I've checked out "A Study in Scarlet" but am only about 10 pages into it. So far I'm really enjoying the style and Watson's voice.

Oh lets see what else, on the work front things are good. Just working with people can wear on you after a while. But you know it's not only the rude javascript:void(0);customers or even just a large amount of customers all at once, its also the regulars.They start taking liberties and making nuisances of themselves. I've said before that one of the things I like about working in libraries is how you create a relationship with your population and what not, that these people in a way become a part of your life. Your work life. That's where the rub is. They forget its your work life. They start to tell you their life stories or expect you to share a lot of yourself. If they don't do that then they start trying to get you to do extra stuff for them, things that aren't part of your work, like one guy wanting me to look different sites up on my computer for him. They expect you to start breaking the rules or they want to stick around for hours talking to you. They want to start helping you do your work and...well you see where I'm going. On the one hand I love my regulars, those that remember that I'm at work and that I'm not their friend. The ones that forget that and want more from me just frustrate me and make me uncomfortable.

Yeah I had one of those annoying regulars come by and he bugged me. I just wanted to work. LOL

Sigh well not to end on a angry note or anything but I'm off, I am very tired. I have yet to get back into the grove of things as far as my sleeping patterns are concerned so I'm gonna try to hit the sack early.

Dec. 30th, 2009

cabaret nuns hands liza

There is only so much you can do

And you know the thing is, if you keep pushing and trying you waste yourself. I mean I'm so tired and worn out from the trip. I didn't do anything major while there but it was the emotional and mental issues I dealt with at the time that have exhausted me.

For so long I've taken responsibility for the distance between me and my father and the difficulties I've faced in my relationships on that side of the family. This trip for me has opened my eyes. While it has allowed me to reconnect with my little brother and sisters, it has also helped me realize that there are things I can't claim, things that are not in my control.

I've come back lighter. I've acknowledged that while I may have some power to change a few things today, in the end there has to be a similar change happening on the other side of the board. And it's not happening.

My dad and his issues, my step mom and hers. My little brother trying to piece his life back together, and my little sister (clueless and spoiled) just barely peaking into hers. None of them see me, none of them know me, and hey to be honest none of them care to know me. I'll never have a close connection with them. There will never be a deep relationship with them.

That used to bother me a lot. I felt responsible for that, like it was my fault, and sure perhaps I could have done more. But now I see that in the end the effort isn't coming my way. They just don't care. And while that saddens me, it also frees me from the frustration and guilt I carried around for so long. Sadly I'll never gain that thing I thought I'd love to have from my fathers half of the family, but now at least I've learned not to carry around the guilt of it not happening.

So I'm okay :). I'm back to work in the morning. I'm kinda sick but mostly okay and my life and home and happiness is here in the desert. The place that I love - the place that is in my soul. The people who truly love me and have invested years and decades of time, effort, and love into nuturing relationships with me. When you can say about a woman who is not related to you or even a friend of your family that she loves you and knows you more than your own father or grandmother - that is both a sad and triumphant thing. While it is sad that your own family did not care enough to nurture a relationship with you through the years (especially your father) it is triumphant that a total stranger would see something to love in you and work toward a development of friendship and love with you.

I know I'm being a bit harsh. My 2nd step mother was an emotionally traumatized and mentally immature person when I came along. A truly damaged individual. But you know what...I was damaged to - and I could not (and will not) fix her. I've barely figured out myself (she doesn't care about that) ----she needs to figure herself out. Go to therapy - get some meds, try to grow. DO SOMETHING DON'T JUST SIT THERE SMOKING AND DRINKING AND YELLING AND SCREAMING AND BEING MELODRAMATIC AND DRAGGING EVERYONE DOWN WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gosh it felt good to yell that on the internet. LOL. God it felt so freaking good. I'm done with her. I'm done with dad.

I'll still call....I'll still write....I'll still visit every few years...but I'm not going to fix you and I'm not going to feel the guilt anymore. You need to do what you need to do to move on. I have.

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